Tuesday, May 3, 2011

The Victory of War: Zombies v. Unicorns

 (Re post from Facebook)


Recently I was given knowledge of an anthology titled Zombies v. Unicorns. This anthology is made on the grounds that either a band of zombies or a herd of unicorns could win a gut wrenching battle with impossible odds. Trying to prove that one is better than another is a pointless and tiring task. These two "species" are relentless in an offensive/defensive way.
They both have different abilities along with strengths and weaknesses.
Zombies have been confused with many other monstrous creatures. I will try to make a clear distinction between the different entities that proceed from death.To study the zombie as a creature, it is important to understand exactly what a zombie is.
A zombie is a dead person that is brought back to life through a curse (voodoo, necromancy) or a mutation and has recovered some vital functions like movement. They are speechless, near-mindless, possessing little reasoning power, though many can perform automatic movement and "remembered behaviors" from their mortal existence.
To then understand how a unicorn is characterized:
A fabled creature symbolic of virginity and usually represented as a horse with a single straight spiraled horn projecting from its forehead.

The Defense
The unicorn is a legendary animal. It is usually portrayed as a slender, white horse with a spiraling horn on its forehead, although its appearance and behavior differs, depending on the location. In the west it was usually considered wild and is unable to be tamed, while in the Orient it was peaceful, meek and thought to be the bringer of good luck. The unicorn's single horn is it's unique feature that sets it apart from the other types of animals with horns. The horn itself is said to be white at the base, black in the middle and with a sharp, red tip. It is believed to possess healing abilities. Dust filed from the horn was thought to protect against poison, and many diseases. It could even resurrect the dead. Amongst royalty and nobility in the Middle Ages, it became quite fashionable to own a drinking cup made of the horn of an unicorn, not in the least because it was supposed to detect poison.
The belief in the healing abilities of the horn is probably based on a medieval story. In this particular tale, many animals once gathered around a pool in the midst of night. The water was poisoned and they could not drink from it, until a unicorn appeared. He simply dipped his horn in the pool and the water became fresh and clean again.

Zombies, on the other hand are powerful in their own twisted way. Being the undead remains of anyone you know and love makes it somewhat easier to relate to them. Zombies never sleep, and they are incapable of fatigue. Fatigue in the muscles is caused by a lactic acid build up. Zombies are incapable of producing this acid. Since they are incapable of producing lactic acid in the muscle tissue they feel no symptoms of fatigue. Zombies are impervious to pain and require no air to breathe. The small portion of the brain which the parasite needs requires such a small amount of oxygen that simply by being in an environment where oxygen is present will suffice. This means, obviously, that a zombie can survive on land; however, this also means that a zombie can survive under water as water is one part oxygen.
They are thus immune to drugs, poisons, gases, extremes of temperature and pressure, high voltage electricity, suffocation, and drowning. While not invulnerable to physical injury, zombies can suffer great damage to their bodies (including dismemberment) without being adversely affected. Dismembering the legs will render the zombie immobile, but the creature will still continue to subsist. Likewise, decapitation will incapacitate the body, but the head will still "live".
Zombies don’t possess any superhuman strength, nor do they have a night vision, characteristic usually common to undead specimens.
Zombies have no concept of fear. You cannot scare a zombie. The small amount of brain that they have does not process fear. A zombie will see you and feel the need to kill you without being intimidated by the number or the weapons that a victim may possess. People see zombies as relentless bloodthirsty killers even when the zombies have no control over their actions. The Zombies are victims themselves...Zombies created by voodoo tend to be harmless, and are often used as slaves by the witch doctors that have created them.
There are many different aspects  about zombies both positive and negative. The most terrific aspect of the zombie is that it first appears as the casual shape of a typical civilian which mind has been sucked out and left empty. Zombies are terrific because instead of delicately sucking your blood as the vampire, they come in disguise and brutally tear you into pieces.
The deactivation of a zombie's nervous system, caused by the curse or chemical and genetic alterations, has often been used to explain their very low mobility and rate of metabolism. The chemicals in the human body acts as a stimulant for their metabolism, prolonging their not-quite-dead condition.

Battle Strategy

To determine the winner of a war between zombies and unicorns you must first study the battle strategies of both groups. Unicorns were originally used for battle between opposing warlords. They have the tendency to lead the troupe into the battleground. Unicorns can not be caught by men, only by women. An old story defends this statement. A medieval story tells of the capture of a unicorn by a maiden. The unicorn was far too fast and wild for the man that was hunting him. He could only be tamed by a maiden who sat lonely underneath a tree in the woods. Attracted by the scent of purity he would lay his head on her lap and she would rock him to sleep. Then she would cut of his horn, and leave him for the hunter and his dogs.
The Unicorns are a trusted and reliable source of protection and healing. They would put their lives in danger for those that have loved them and kept the secrets of their power away from those that want to destroy them. A unicorn does not think of it's own rights and needs and puts other peoples well being far above it's own.
Returning to the power of a Unicorns mystical horn which could be used to heal an entire population which is affected by disease. The wounds suffered in battle by its own kind can be mended, and kin can be restored to perfect health.
A unicorns blood can also heal those that ask permission first- without permission the makeup of the unicorns blood can kill a human- more or less- kill a zombie.

Zombies usually do not possess  battle strategy at the time of war. Zombies are usually the infirm or the defenseless people in your community. They do not possess any combat training that could help them overtake the unicorns and all that oppose them. The Zombianic condition does spread quickly...so they have the strength of numbers on their side...making it ultimately impossible to deplete their numbers.
Though the Unicorns can not die they can be stripped of their powers by removing the red part of the horn. This does not rid them of their powers completely (it take 200 years to regrow a horn, unless they find a pool deep in the forest).
Hoardes of Zombies can overtake a troupe of Unicorns but Zombies can only do so much. Unicorn's blood (Zombies drain the Unicorns) would poison the Zombies and quicken the decay process. Eventhough voodoo could save the Zombies yet the Zombie would have to go back to his grave...where they usually leave forever...because that's the only place you can ultimately kill a Zombie and all of his Children. (Cut off the head kill the body).

Therefore the ultimate winner of this battle?

False Advertising.

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